So many times, we have been pressured by time, necessity and other such factors and sacrificed our will to live for our need to survive. When that becomes a routine, there is a little bit more of us that dies everyday and we find ourselves doing things for the sake of survival i.e. not dying rather than living (yes, the two things are different!). A life that is lived in relationship with death, even to avoid it, is not a life. It is a non-death.
Our fears anticipate so many pains to avoid them coming to life. We imagine the pain to be so bad that our minds do all the work and what is an idea never happens and therefore we never have a chance in life to experience whether or not our heads have exaggerated the possibilities and over-scared our hearts. I remember how little I could imagine working part-time because of the impossibility then to pay my debts and the certainty that the bailiff would come to my house. The potential shame was enough to cripple creativity. And here I am today part-time and after 3 months of painful adaptation, I am on the other end of it and kicking.
So I work at stopping myself from over-thinking things in theory which holds my breath and stops me from living. I try to put that time into feeding my will to live starting with literally feeding myself goodness: feeding life beyond survival. Life has so much to offer that if I concentrate on what I cannot do, I will do nothing that I can. and I can feed myself goodness, slowly building it into a routine, slowly but surely. I can feed myself life. I cannot afford the restaurant with these ridiculous means but then nothing stops me from bringing the restaurant to me!
Today I cooked my first hollandaise sauce, my first roasted cherry tomatoes and my first oeuf mollet (mollet egg). I decided that fine cuisine and varied meal were absolutely up my street and if I could not go to the restaurant, I would bring the restaurant to me. Tipped by my masterchef (bbc iplayer), aided by Julia Child and the Internet, I whipped up a Sunday breakfast worth its name: Oeufs mollets** and roasted cherry tomatoes on a bed of mango-curried spinach and pea puree served with hollandaise sauce and ciabatta** (gluten-free in my case). Happy Sunday and welcome to rekindling taste buds to the textures and colours of life!